Adventures in Dentistry

I had a relatively large adventure (by my standards) last weekend. It all started Sunday after breakfast. I was  generally expressing my satisfaction concerning the existence of bacon and running my tongue over the inside of my mouth, and then I stopped both activities. My tongue had found a large bump on the inside of my lower mouth underneath my teeth. It wasn't a bump I recognized, so I went to a mirror and examined it. My tongue had told the truth - there in my mouth was a large bump that I was previously unaware of.  I won't gross you out with the details (if I haven't already), but it looked unnatural and out of place.

I immediately took the best course of action. Namely, self diagnosing. Two things went through my head.

1) Oh my God, it's gum cancer. A large, painless lump. It has to be. I knew I shouldn't have smoked all* those cigars** during my lifetime! What if I lose all my teeth and have to eat applesauce for the rest of my life? How will I chew on ice cubes ever again?
*like, five.
**well, cigarillos, actually

and...

2) It's an alien. Or a bug. Or an alien bug. Where could it have come from? It must've been all that swimming in lakes out west. It has a bony feel, just like how I always imagined the exoskeleton of an advanced, sentient, parasitic alien bug would feel. I wonder how long I have to think independent thoughts? What if it's already been controlling me this whole time?

So first thing Monday morning, I went to a Doctor to ask some questions. After looking into my mouth, he told me it everything looked fine, but that if I really wanted to get it checked out, I should go to a dentist. This didn't make me feel any more at ease. By this point, I had narrowed my two initial diagnoses down to just one. I eliminated gum cancer, because the Doctor would have recognized that. Also, the fact that everything looked fine seemed to be more evidence that it was an alien bug, because naturally it was in the invader's interest to keep me (the host) healthy as long as possible so it could do whatever it wanted with me.

Despite my reluctance*, I made an appointment with my dentist (whom I normally avoid despite his office's harassing phone calls asking me to confirm appointments I never made) for that morning, and went down to see him.
*which I attributed partially to the alien bug wanting me to avoid the dentist, and partially to my fear of being stabbed in the mouth repeatedly

Sitting nervously in the torture chair, I informed him that there was a terrifying bump (I wasn't calling it an alien bug yet - I wanted him to reach that conclusion for himself) in my mouth, so they took an x-ray. The dentist came back into the room and asked me where the bump was exactly. "This is it," I thought to myself, "he's going to tell me that its fibrous tentacles have worked their way up my jaw and are almost in my brain." I opened my mouth and pointed.

"That?" he asked? "That's normal bone growth, it happens in about 40% of people. You probably had that the last time you came in, it's nothing to worry about. But as long as you're here, why don't we give your teeth a cleaning." And so he sent in his apprentice torturer* who stabbed me in the mouth with sharp objects for the next half hour.
*I'm pretty sure this was her official title

All in all, I have to say, I didn't leave the dentist feeling much better, despite my squeaky clean teeth and the free toothbrush he gave me to make me feel better about having been stabbed in the mouth. I think the reason is I'm not sure I trust him. I still think it's an alien. And I think my dentist has one, too. If it's already taken over his mind, of course he would try to comfort me and tell me it's nothing...

So please, if anyone has had a similar experience and had the alien bug removed, or knows someone who has been completely taken over already, let me know. I want to know what to expect.

Confusion: NASCAR Edition

I saw a commercial with Dale Earnhardt Jr. in which he said that he knew it was important to take care of the NASCAR fans, because without them, there wouldn't be any NASCAR. I understand the logic, but the conclusion he reached is confusing to me. Given the implications, I would opt not to take care of the NASCAR fans.

About the Nude

A month ago, I hosted an event in my capacity as an RA. People who live on my floor had complained about the lack of decoration in the hallways (apparently, cinder block is not an appealing pattern. You learn something every day!), so I told them I would buy some art supplies and we could all decorate the hallways together (awww). The resulting event was wildly successful; everyone had fun, someone painted a portrait of me, and the halls looked pretty darn cool. I congratulated myself heartily, submitted an evaluation telling my bosses how wonderful I am, and assumed I had heard the last of the event.

Time passed. My portrait was ripped down :( . Life continued. Weeks later, I received an email from my boss.

Hey, Brendan -

Can you tell me a little about the nude that's in one of your murals? I'm not quite sure what to make of it. When you get a chance, can you fill me in?

Thanks,

(your boss)*

*This is not the actual signature.

In case you were wondering, this is the offending mural:

Carman 12, by Auntie Lay Zee*
*This is an anagram of the artists name for privacy's sake

Here, unedited, is my response.

Hey (Boss)*

*not actual name
Your prompt was a little vague, but I answered to the best of my ability.

Carman 12 is a relatively new work from upcoming artist Auntie Lay Zee (*see above). The painting is done in acrylic paint on butcher paper, a medium that showcases Zee's versatility and skill. The materials are of poor quality, indicating that Zee probably received them from an RA working on a limited budget with no knowledge of good artistry supplies. The work was begun and finished in her studio, Carman 12, during a floor arts and crafts event.

Carman 12 creates a frantic, nightmarish feeling using a few, relatively simple elements. The painting has two separate spaces. Zee uses the boundaries of the paper to frame the foreground upon which the woman runs across the space; the background is determined by the dark red stripe of ground upon which the snail crawls, and out of which the horrifying plant/monster grows. The painting is united by the warm palate of colors and the smooth, flowing lines that characterize much of Zee's work.

The painting speaks to the themes of sexuality and drug use that so occupy the minds of freshmen. The nude is both sexual and abhorrent. She has over-exaggerated womanly curves and soft-toned skin; the only clothing she is wearing are the high heels, footwear commonly associated with the sexual nature of women. At the same time, she has features often derided in popular discourse on sexuality of women; her flaming “ginger” hair, unshaven armpits and her bold unibrow make her not only unappealing, but terrifying.

At the same time, her genitalia are covered with what appears to be a marijuana leaf. The marijuana leaf is not the only appearance of mind altering substances; in the background, one sees a snail munching happily away on a magical mushroom. The swirl of colors surrounding him are evocative of a halucination. The effects of the trip are most clearly seen on the flower to the right of the painting; these drugs have the ability to turn mundane, perhaps beautiful things into frightening monsters. The continuum of possible effects is showcased in the background. On the left, there are abstract, non representational forms that seem to emit happiness like a ray gun emits lasers; it is only as one’s eyes move to the right does one comprehend the abject dread of a trip gone bad.

In this light, one possible interpretation of the marijuana leaf covering her genitalia becomes clear: what should be sexual is replaced with drugs. Zee brilliantly relates the darker undertones of sexual awakening so many first-years go through with the dangers of drug use that many are exposed to for the first time. The painting juxtaposes sex with drugs, but glorifies neither. Alternatively, it is possible that Zu'is RA was uncomfortable with a depiction of female genitalia in a public space and asked Zee to cover it up. X-Ray analysis would be a good way to determine the history of this portion of the painting.

According to Zee herself, the painting deals with several issues, ranging from the ‘dehumanization of gingers’ to “the extreme dearth of palatable males at Columbia and excess of ugly and pretty girls alike desperate to ‘get some.’ ” For Zee, this is what makes women a frightening subject: the uninhibited desire of the female libido. Zee writes, “She's savage and a reason to be afraid because girls are vicious and savage in pursuing their desire.”

As far as the value of the work, it has been lessened by contributions from Zee's understudies. As you can see, some of the brushstrokes, particularly in the area around the snail, are less masterly, and seem to have been painted by her apprentices in her studio. A reasonable estimate of the actual value of the painting would be someplace around $50-100.

Hope that helps!
-Brendan

So I know it's been a while since I've posted anything. I'd like to say it's because I've got bigger fish to fry, but that's not true. The real issue is bigger fish are trying to fry me. Yeah... But, I hope you're all doing well!

Also, (boss), if you're reading this, I meant this in good humor!

Guilt Inducing Advertising

I have a lot of respect for the men who make good advertisements. I suppose this comes from a few reasons. Firstly, some of them are paid to make people laugh and buy things (sort of like what i wish would happen to me). In that way, they're like street performers who are never hassled by police. In another light, these ad-men who work on Madison avenue (Mad Men, if you will. Huh, that's sort of catchy sounding. Maybe I'll make a TV series about it.*) are paid to prey on our deepest desires and fears. Sort of like what the boogey-man would do if he were to ever sell out and stop hiding in my closet, playing my desire to go to the bathroom against my fear of being eaten by him.

*Wait, really? They already made it? Damnit.

Of course, every now and then, this backfires, and the Mad-Men make a commercial that I find so offensive that I boycott the product. Blockbuster was recently guilty of this. Not that it matters to them; I go to Blockbuster about as often as I start conversations with pretty girls I don't know. But anyway, you can see the offending commercials here and here.

Basically, the commercials point out that Blockbuster gets new releases instantly, while you need to wait for them from Netflix. I resent this on two levels. First, the ad is appealing to my desire for instant gratification, my greed. They are implying because they are suggesting that I cannot wait for a movie, and that I should not have to. Unfortunately for them, this doesn't work. Previews released long in advance of movies ensure that I am highly skilled at waiting long periods of time for movies. Furthermore, I resent that they assume my appetite for instant satisfaction is so large that they think I'll fall for it. Acknowledging that at some level, this appeal works makes me feel guilty. At this rate, I'll wait an extra 28 days after movies are released to Netflix just to spite Blockbuster.

More importantly, this commercial doesn't work for me because the things in questions are things I am used to waiting for. Anyone who has been in an ER knows that 28 days is a pretty accurate estimate of how long you'll be there before someone sees you. Similarly, a restaurant that makes you wait 28 days is something I would personally like. Once a month is about how often I go out to restaurants. I would just drop by the restaurant one month before I intended to go; this sounds pretty easy to deal with to me. Waiting 28 days for a dentist gives even more of an excuse not to ever go to them (as if I needed more excuses not to visit someone who stabs me in the mouth).

If they really wanted to make this commercial work, they'd make it something that I'm absolutely unable to resist for 28 days. I don't know what that is, but I can tell you this: it's not showering.

Hope everyone is enjoying the holidays!

Deep Thoughts on Songs

I mentioned that I had been stuck in something mind-numbing and soul crushingly boring for the past week. It ended, thank God, and I got the same feeling I get when a traffic jam disappears into nothing. It's as if for a week, I was stuck in limbo with nothing to do but gnaw extraneous body parts off, and all of a sudden, everything cleared up without an explanation. So, I'm done with that, but I excitement is still pretty low, so this post is again centered on my road trip.

I love listening to music, and I do it pretty often. But most of the time, I have my own music collection with me, so I don't tune into the radio too often. The plan on the road trip was to have our music with us, too. However, what with Canadia not letting us across the border, we were unable to steal their electricity to recharge our mp3 players, so we had to turn to the radio. This has its benefits, of course. First off, it relieves the pressure to always have a good song on. That pressure is on someone else. More importantly, it's a conversation starter. All sorts of songs come on that you may have never heard, and let the judging, misunderstanding and interpreting begin.

Anyway, there were a few gems that we heard, and I thought you might want to be let in on the secrets of our conversation after 20 hours in a car over two or three days.

1) Love Story, by Taylor Swift. Sure, you've all heard it before, but it's fun to pick on. It's just so easy to do! I mean, I can understand that Taylor hasn't read Romeo and Juliet, but what about the songwriters? They're the ones who are blamed here. "I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress." Did I miss this part in Bill Shakespeare's version? From my foggy memory, this is distinctly different from what actually ends up happening. Heck, calling it a love story is fine, but get some of the details right. But my favorite part of the illiteracy is the little well written lyric (I think this is how it goes), " 'Cuz you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter." Quick! Time for a list inside of a list interpreting this.
a) "Because you were Romeo, I wore a scarlet letter." The fact that he was Romeo caused her to commit adultery (with him, presumably). Heck, he's not going to marry you. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free, dummy?
b) "Cause you were Romeo ; I was a Scarlet letter." She is explaining why it can never work. He is Romeo, a perfect lover. She was a scarlet letter, a Hester Prynee, I imagine. She would never bring disgrace to him by letting their romance come to fruition.
c) This is a sentence fragment, and thus, it is impossible to determine what is meant by it.

2) Pray for You, by Jaron and the Long Road to Love. Silly me, I thought this was a gospel song when I first tuned into it. I'll be honest, I was frustrated that my hands weren't free to switch the channel when I heard the first bit of this song. But could you blame me? With softly sung lyrics like "I listened to the preacher, as he told me what to do/ He said you can't go hatin' others who have done wrong to you / Sometimes we get angry, but we must not condemn, / Let the good Lord do his job, you just pray for them," what else could it be but gospel? But then comes the guitar and drum beat, and you know something good is coming. Ah, a good old country song, bashing the woman who done you wrong. "I pray your tires blow out at a hundred and ten." A proper, religious sentiment.

3) Rain is a Good Thing, by Luke Bryan. I love a song that uses sound logic. Luke Bryan's thinking is that since "Rain makes corn, corn makes whiskey, [and] whiskey makes my baby feel a little frisky,"  rain must be a good thing. Can't argue with that. Plus, he rhymed whiskey and frisky and made it work. Props to him. Also, according to Emily, the album this is on also comes with other treats, like the self explanatory "Drinking Beer and Wasting Bullets."


4) I Saw the Sign, by Ace of Base. This song isn't actually that funny. But it's better if you misunderstand it a tiny bit. See, I have no idea where this group is from, but when they sing, it sounds a lot like they're singing, "I saw the sun! And it opened up my eyes!" "Hey, good for you! You saw the sun? What color was it? You wrote a song about it, too? Shit, I just saw the sun and squinted a lot. But it felt good and warm! When do you think we'll get to see it again? Tomorrow? Sweet, I'll keep my eyes open this time. Maybe I can get a poem out of it."

5) Push, by Matchbox 20. I'll be honest, I get a bit of a warm, mushy feeling from a good love song. This one really struck a chord with me, and probably with anyone who has a romantic bone in their body. And what girl won't swoon when you steal this lyric and drop it casually in conversation, maybe right before dropping a ring on the ground before her and expecting her to pick it up. "I wanna push you around, yeah I will / I wanna push you down, well I will, I will. I wanna take you for granted, I will." Is he describing a dysfunctional, abusive relationship, or is there something else going on here? Maybe all the pushing is sexual, in which case I guess that part is Ok. Really, it's the "taking you for granted" bit that gets the cackles of my heart. Mr. Matchbox 20 was kind enough to send me the rough draft of that song, which had this as the chorus (he explained that he had to edit some of it out for time's sake, otherwise it wouldn't be popular on the radio): "I want to be sorta crazy about you for like, 2 months. Then I want to start taking you for granted, yeah, I think that will last a good year and a half. Then maybe I can cheat around while we're still dating, and always know I'll have some nookie to look forwards to if I don't get lucky in a bar. Then, once I find something better, I'll move on, yeah I will."

All of this makes me want to listen to more radio. As always, read, laugh, and share. It makes me happy.