Special Edition: Shark Week!

Today, one of my friends asked me why I'm afraid of sharks.* In honor of Shark Week, and to prevent anyone from ever asking me this question again**, I've compiled a list of the most compelling reasons I am  afraid of sharks.
*I know, I know. Seriously?
**It makes me think of sharks, which frightens me. 


REASONS TO FEAR SHARKS
1 - ~3,000: Each tooth in a shark's mouth, any of which is, at any given moment, probably sharper than what I shave with.

3,001: Sharks always win at pool. Always. And most of the time, they win because you pocket the 8-ball before you should have.

3,002:  If you gaze into a shark's ink-black, demon eyes, your soul will freeze instantly.

3,003: In addition to being able to smell a drop of blood from 3 miles away, sharks can smell a half-second spray of Axe or any amount of Old Spice from any ocean in the world. They consider these scents to be fine marinades.

3,004: If you ever kill a shark (directly or indirectly by using a product that includes shark-anything), their ghost will follow you forever, alerting other sharks to your whereabouts with an annoying whistle they do through their ghostly teeth.

3,005: Having been around for over 400 million years, sharks are masters of trivia, and will always defeat you at trivia night. They are also graceless winners, and will mock you for your poor performance in the 80s  pop-music category long after the contest is over. True story.

3,006: Shark skin is so tough that it walks through West Philadelphia at night without a weapon.

3,007: In late-night feeding frenzies, Sharks can consume over 6,000 twinkies, which is the equivalent of approximately 4 people.

3,008: Sharks have been known to eat their young, even without condiments and often without utensils.

3,009: When driving, sharks tailgate at high speeds and pass on the right unexpectedly.

3,010:  Sharks kill approximately one person in the United States per year in unprovoked attacks. IT COULD BE YOU!

So many reasons...
Image taken from Something Awful's Photoshop Phriday series.

There are more, but these are the top reasons. I would love to know why you're frightened of sharks; I know you have your reasons.

 Remember, live every week as if it were shark week. 

Mentioning the Unmentionable

"Players gonna play, haters gonna hate, complainers gonna complain," as Benjamin Franklin was famously quoted as saying. I've been complaining and hating a lot, recently.

Complaining: Mostly, I've been complaining about my thesis. As it turns out, my thesis is similar to a Hydra; every time I chop off one head, two more grow in its place. I don't know how to complete the metaphor, because I don't think I've even come close to chopping off one of my thesis' heads, but you get the idea; it's a never-ending string of work*. And, despite a streak of optimism in my spirit that urges me to accept candy hidden in the trunks of stranger's cars, I've been feeling pretty down about my thesis recently. As you can expect, I've also been complaining about it. That's where the complaining has been coming from.

*Also, like a hydra, the only way to kill it is to burn down the entire department.

Hating: What I hate is that when I complain about my thesis, I always get the wrong response. It's never, "Oh, man. That sucks. I can help, though. Here's a forty page, previously unpublished bunch of research I've compiled." It's always "Yeah? What's your thesis about?"
Really? Didn't I just mention the fact that I hate my thesis? Since when did me mentioning the fact that I hate something become a good segway into talking about that thing in any detail? Imagine telling someone that your ex is a total bitch who would sell herself but she can't because some STI made all her teeth fall out so no one wants to look at her, and hearing the response, "Yeah? What's she like? Did you two have the same taste in music?" That's how I feel when people ask me what my thesis is about. So yeah, I've been hating on those conversations a lot.

Anyway. Hope everything is peachy with all three of the people who read these posts!

Confusion

A few days ago, I was eating my morning grape nuts and preparing for social interaction by watching Saved by the Bell (most of what I learned about people, I learned from reruns of that show. Add in the fact that the other show I learned from was Johnny Bravo, and you will understand a lot about me). At some point in those 23 minutes of brilliance, Zack was told to non-verbally express interest in a girl. The girl expressed her disinterest, also non-verbally. "Hah!" I thought to myself, "I could do a better job expressing myself non-verbally! I hope one day I get the opportunity!"

As luck would have it, I was riding a bus today and got just such a chance. I sat down and leaned my head back for my normal commute nap. Strangely enough, my head hit the headrest and kept going. Not far, but rather than the good, firm-sponge-like feeling I was expecting, there was a little wiggle. I turned around and grabbed the headrest to see what was the matter, only to have the thing come off and be left holding it confusedly! For a good ten seconds, I looked at it helplessly, hoping some caring parental figure would take me by my free hand and explain all that was wrong in the world, starting with the headrest and ending with the BP oil spill, and perhaps why 7-11 sometimes didn't have working slurpee machines. You know, important things. Instead, nothing happened, and I was just left there, confused.

It was at that point that I realized that the one non-verbal expression I have mastered is confusion. So, for those of you looking to master this expression, I offer you a few examples of me expressing confusion non-verbally. Enjoy!

I have no idea how to use these.

Confusion plus distrust is often a good combination.

What is this, and why does it sound like it's my mom?

Honestly, what's the use of a finger-charrer?

I don't even know what this is. I'll go ask my mom.

Shoot, I can't think of anything useful to do with this.