Conversations with the TSA

While my absence in the blogosphere has become a less than startling event, my most recent disappearance has to do with a trip I took for the past three weeks through the Northwest/west. Perhaps some details will follow, perhaps not. Still,  I would like to share the last conversation I had out west.

I ended up in a security line at the airport manned by an underemployed TSA agent with a mission to amuse himself. As every person in the line went up to him, he examined their name, and wondered out loud which of their names they went by. Some were fairly straightforwards, but I could see he was confused when he looked at the boarding pass of a man with three first names, and disappointed when one of the girls on line lacked a middle name (where's the mystery in that?)This whole time, I expected I would breeze through without question or conversation, but that was not the case.

He looked at my pass, and without skipping a beat, said, "Oh man, if I had your name, I would change that H to a C."

"Huh?" I asked, surprised that he had something to discuss about my name.

"Yeah, you could be Brendan Cannon."

Tempting. I thanked him for his input then walked on. I don't think I will change my own name, but upon further reflection, I realized that should I, by some slip up in the galactic paperwork, become a parent, I would like to name my child (regardless of gender) Cannon, so he or she could be "Cannon Hannon." Should I also have a spouse through a similar clerical error, I hope she approves.

An Accounting of Time

I know many of you have been wondering where I've been for the past few months. I don't blame you; I've been wondering that myself. It's been a while since I've let anyone know what I've been up to. I'm not a mysterious person, I just haven't had the time. So, I'd like to take this opportunity to let you know how I've been keeping busy these past few months.

First off, you should know that I'll be graduating soon, so I've been busy preparing for the professional world.

You can never practice office skills too much.

 I've also been working on one of my long term goals, learning how to cook. This has been going fairly well, judging by the fact that I have not set fire to everything in my room.

Frijol à la Jorgé is my most successful recipe to date.

Most surprising is the family of bears that's moved in with me. I have no idea where they came from, but they are sweet, so I've tended for them as well as I can.

Victor and Margaret, my most recent companions.

 Really though, I've had a lot of things come up this year. I've been pulled a lot of different ways, and it really taxed my time management skills and problem solving abilities. I think it was really beneficial for me in the long term, though. I learned a lot about how much I can handle and how I cope with such a full schedule.

How I face the challenges of everyday life.

I hope that explains why you haven't heard from me recently. As you can see, my days have been packed. Expect more updates from me soon, because I'm about to have more free time than I'll know what to do with. And oh, if you have any jobs lying around, please let me know.

Hope all is well!

Mentioning the Unmentionable

"Players gonna play, haters gonna hate, complainers gonna complain," as Benjamin Franklin was famously quoted as saying. I've been complaining and hating a lot, recently.

Complaining: Mostly, I've been complaining about my thesis. As it turns out, my thesis is similar to a Hydra; every time I chop off one head, two more grow in its place. I don't know how to complete the metaphor, because I don't think I've even come close to chopping off one of my thesis' heads, but you get the idea; it's a never-ending string of work*. And, despite a streak of optimism in my spirit that urges me to accept candy hidden in the trunks of stranger's cars, I've been feeling pretty down about my thesis recently. As you can expect, I've also been complaining about it. That's where the complaining has been coming from.

*Also, like a hydra, the only way to kill it is to burn down the entire department.

Hating: What I hate is that when I complain about my thesis, I always get the wrong response. It's never, "Oh, man. That sucks. I can help, though. Here's a forty page, previously unpublished bunch of research I've compiled." It's always "Yeah? What's your thesis about?"
Really? Didn't I just mention the fact that I hate my thesis? Since when did me mentioning the fact that I hate something become a good segway into talking about that thing in any detail? Imagine telling someone that your ex is a total bitch who would sell herself but she can't because some STI made all her teeth fall out so no one wants to look at her, and hearing the response, "Yeah? What's she like? Did you two have the same taste in music?" That's how I feel when people ask me what my thesis is about. So yeah, I've been hating on those conversations a lot.

Anyway. Hope everything is peachy with all three of the people who read these posts!

Being Funny

These past couple of days, I've really stopped being funny. This may confuse you; you're probably thinking "But Brendan, how can you stop being funny if you never started in the first place?" That's fine, go ahead and think that, but please don't ask me out loud, otherwise I'll go whimper in a corner someplace.

So tonight, instead of me being funny, I'd like to let someone else be funny for a change. Normally if I'm in a conversation and another person is attempting to be the funny-man, I try to hurt him by making him look like a loser so that I can look cool in comparison. Sarcasm coupled with a discreet kick to the shin is my favorite strategy. But I'll let my jealousy go this time and admit that this is a really funny video that Connor and his friends put together. So thanks, Connor, for sending this! Hope you enjoy it.

Embryo Pilot

So I hope all is well, and I'll try to revert to being funny soon.

Pre-Trip Excitement II

I finished that pesky paper I had mentioned yesterday, so stress levels are down, and once again, anyone who meets me is likely to walk away thinking, "Gosh, I just met a man of leisure!" Right after that, they're going to save my number as "Do Not Answer this Number... Creep." Maybe with all the leisure time I have now, I should change my name to that.

For those of you interested in stalking me*, I'm going to Nova Scotia tomorrow morning. Now, Nova Scotia, for better or worse, is in Canadia, where the internet has yet to be discovered. Don't worry for Canadia's sake - they have their top scientist** working on it. Unfortunately, progress is slower than molasses. What this means is that I will probably not be posting for the next ten days. What this also means is that you won't have any reason to click refresh compulsively on my page, hoping that I've added a new post*.

"O kind and humorous man of leisure," you're probably asking your screen right now*, "what should I do in the meantime without your blog to amuse me and prod me into deep thought?" Proselytize. Tell people exactly what you think of me***, and then tell them to read my blog. I'd appreciate that so much that if you told me you showed someone my blog and they laughed, I would probably buy you a cookie.

A good way to spread the word about me could be to get a tattoo saying something about how much you love my blog. Nothing says unnatural devotion like injecting ink directly into your skin (if this seems extreme, just use a fat sharpee). On that note, while running today, I saw an interesting tattoo. I didn't have my camera with me, so I'll have to use my descriptive powers. Imagine, if you will, an average guy jogging in front of you with his shirt off. Brown hair, normal farmer's tan, green shorts. You keep imagining, I'm going to keep remembering. Imagine a weird spot on his lower back, right above the shorts... Look closer, through your mind's eye. It's a circle... Wait, no, it's a male sign. A male sign! A male-sign tramp-stamp! What is he trying to broadcast to the world? More importantly, is the conversation I'm imagining in my head one that's ever happened?

Him: I noticed you've got a tattoo of some squiggly lines on your lower back. Does it mean anything?
Her: It means I haven't found my soul-mate.
Him: *turns around, lifts shirt a tiny bit* Check it, babe. Hoo-ah!
Her: Ignore what I said last. It's all changed now. Let's go home.

Actually, that's probably what he thought would happen, but I can't really ever see that going down. Can anyone else envision a more realistic conversation between those two? If you can, I'd love to hear it.

I hope you all have a great time over the next ten days. Really. Please don't miss me too much*, and expect a report when I get back!


*Yeah, right. It's ok, I know I'm deluding myself.
**The person who discovered Maple Syrup. He's still alive.
***Actually, maybe you should skip this part.

Essay Writing Rules

I suppose I should apologize for my prolonged absence from the blogosphere (or, le blogesphere, as it is known in le francais). Despite all of my attempts to appear a man of leisure, work has caught up to me. I have thus found myself thinking about working on the paper that I'm supposed to produce. Sadly, I do not mean "produce" in the way a magician produces a rabbit from a hat - I meant more in the way that a construction worker "produces" a 20 foot hole in the ground (and a traffic jam, in case he's in New York City). One of the reasons this has taken so long is because I have very high quality standards for any paper I write. Perhaps you are acquainted with Strunk and White's Elements of Style, which offers a few key pointers to anyone holding the pen and paper. I've always found that while Elements of Style does very well pointing out the finer details, it isn't very useful when looking for inspiration; you need to actually have an idea of what you're going to write. For some of us, this is an issue*. I can't help with this, but I do have some advice to make your paper more engaging. In case you ever find yourself needing to produce a paper, here are a couple of tips to keep in mind.

1. Papers are much like stories. They should have a beginning, middle and end. And much like every good story, all good papers begin with "No shit, there we were..."

2. Proper formatting can add excitement to any paper. Stamp "TOP SECRET" across every page, preferably in blood (red ink will do in a pinch). On the cover page, explain that readers who do not have access to the paper will be eliminated. This will keep your reader on his toes.

3. Your paper will be impossible for any reader to put down if you can figure out how to print on fly paper. Good luck.

4. If the reader knows what comes next, why would he continue to read? Swap pages around, and make sure page numbers are misleading. A good paper has elements of a good puzzle.

5. Pictures are excellent means to keep your reader's attention fixed right where you want it - on your paper. Playboy magazine has known and used this trick for years.

6. Maps in the days of yore left blank pages at the end so that when you traveled off of the map, you could add in what you discovered. Always leave a few extra pages at the end of your paper, too. This will add bulk, and if a critic says that your paper is missing something, inform him that he should feel free to insert his additions in those pages.

7. Never insult your reader's intelligence by adding citations. Assume that your reader is well read, and knows exactly what you are referring to or whom you have quoted. Alternatively, make sure your reader is paying attention by creating and citing sources that don't exist. Not only does this test your readers, but it helps support claims you may be trying to make.

8. Your scholarly pursuits will be taken much more seriously if you have hostages. Threatening papers written in fonts cut out of magazines are always closely read. Furthermore, if done properly, these open the door for follow up papers. Care should be taken in selecting a hostage of value and making sure not to get caught by your audience, editors or police in the process.

9. Always be accommodating; if your paper will have multiple audiences who differ in opinions, include multiple conclusion sections. This will leave everyone happy. Refer to the "Create your Own Adventure" series for formatting ideas.

10. Poofread!

Anyway, I've really enjoyed working on this, but this has come at the expense of the paper I'm supposed to be writing. Hope these tips come in handy next time you find yourself in the same spot (metaphorically, to be clear) that I'm in!

*See Finding Forester, in which a brilliant author can't write until Sean Connery lets him copy his stuff. Fun fact: Spies and authors are normally trained in the same manner - being shown how Sean Connery does things, and then told to imitate that.