Executive Summary: Fundraiser Contributions

As many of you were aware, my friend's band will be releasing an album soon, and I offered my help publicizing his fundraising project. I'm sure you're wondering how much my efforts contributed to helping them reach their goal, who won the prized collection of my finest, illustrated haikus, and who killed Mr. Body in the bedroom with the candlestick*.
*Ms. Scarlet, but that was only because of what Mr. Body tried to do to her with the candlestick. He had it coming.


Well, dear friend, hold your breath no longer. Thanks to an elaborate algorithm I have devised that divides the total amount donated under dirty names since I advertised this effort by a denominator composed of a complex function involving website hits, frequency of google searches for my blog, fake phone numbers given to me by pretty girls I attempted to convince to contribute to the campaign or go on dates with me, and the second derivative of how many cookies I eat at work as a function of my productivity, I have concluded that my efforts netted a total of $0.00 for A Thousand Year's At Sea's new album (to date).

This means that the donor with the most obscene name remains front-runner "Haywood Jablomi," who, it turns out, is none other than yours truly (I would have a photo of my stunt-double bowing here if I could find him. Someone please come drink with me while we rummage through my room, and if we find him, I will gladly add a photo later). To reward myself, I will start compiling my haikus in a booklet of post-its I will keep by my microscope, Jim (for now), my most recent inanimate friend.

Jim (for now) the Microscope

If you have a better name for Jim (for now) the Microscope, please feel free to suggest it and I will consider dedicating a haiku to you.

Lastly, while A Thousand Years at Sea has officially ended their fundraiser, they still welcome contributions to their beer-money fund, and would be happy to arrange a swap in which you would give them money and they will give your their music or gear. Feel free to bother Colin Cotter if this interests you.

And now, I would like to formally announce that Diary of a Brendan will return to its Not-for-Profit Origins. Check back for updates soon, and please leave comments if you have a suggestion for a new name for Jim (for now), the Microscope!

An Accounting of Time

I know many of you have been wondering where I've been for the past few months. I don't blame you; I've been wondering that myself. It's been a while since I've let anyone know what I've been up to. I'm not a mysterious person, I just haven't had the time. So, I'd like to take this opportunity to let you know how I've been keeping busy these past few months.

First off, you should know that I'll be graduating soon, so I've been busy preparing for the professional world.

You can never practice office skills too much.

 I've also been working on one of my long term goals, learning how to cook. This has been going fairly well, judging by the fact that I have not set fire to everything in my room.

Frijol à la Jorgé is my most successful recipe to date.

Most surprising is the family of bears that's moved in with me. I have no idea where they came from, but they are sweet, so I've tended for them as well as I can.

Victor and Margaret, my most recent companions.

 Really though, I've had a lot of things come up this year. I've been pulled a lot of different ways, and it really taxed my time management skills and problem solving abilities. I think it was really beneficial for me in the long term, though. I learned a lot about how much I can handle and how I cope with such a full schedule.

How I face the challenges of everyday life.

I hope that explains why you haven't heard from me recently. As you can see, my days have been packed. Expect more updates from me soon, because I'm about to have more free time than I'll know what to do with. And oh, if you have any jobs lying around, please let me know.

Hope all is well!

Introducing Milton

So a week or so ago, I was given a great responsibility. You see, a friend of mine thought she was going to have to inconvenience me, and she felt appropriately bad about it. Ultimately, it turned out that everything was going to be ok, and that I wouldn't be inconvenienced in the slightest. However, before we reached that stage, she decided to apologize to me by giving me a gift: a new friend. Well, at least, that's how I saw it. I think she thought she was giving me a plant.

At first, I was excited.  However, I soon realized that this friendship was a great responsibility. Milton, as I named him, requires a good deal of sunlight, being a succulent (as I learned from the label on his pot). My room, luxurious though it is, faces north, and thus does not provide Milton with the sunlight he needs to thrive. Within a few days, I was feeing pretty stressed about the burden his friendship placed on me. I felt guilty for having taken on a responsibility to care for a friend I could not provide for. I could tell that Milton spent a lot of time pining for the great outdoors.

Milton longing for the sunlight he cannot have. In this way, he's a lot like Birdman.

I realized that Milton wasn't going to be happy in our relationship unless I started seeing him outside of my room. So I've begun taking Milton for walks. 

It looks like a coffee cup, but it's just a little too leafy to be java.

I won't lie, I was a little bit self conscious about hanging out with Milton in public at the beginning. A lot of times, I would pretend that I wasn't friends with him.

Whoever that is, he certainly doesn't know what that plant is doing there.

I eventually got over it though, and started talking to him in public. This has ended up working really well for me; he's a great listener, and also gives really good advice.

Me: So, there's this girl I really like, but I don't know what to do.
Milton: Ok, first, you're going to need to find a honey bee. Or you could wait for the wind, if you're patient.

Still, I wish he was better at interacting with his own kind. He always seems a bit removed from other plants, and I worry that he just doesn't fit in with trees, despite how hard he tries.

So, uh... What are you doing next time it rains?

So that's Milton. I'll probably be spending a lot of time with him this semester, so if you see me out and about with him, drop by and introduce yourself. No one will think the worse of you for talking to plants. You'll just be grouped in the same region as people who talk to their fish and me.


Anyway, sorry for the lack of posting recently. I've been really busy (this doesn't sound right when I say it), but I'll try to ignore my work more effectively in the future.