How to be Amusingly Incompetent

It's no secret that the trick to never being asked to do work is to be stupendously incompetent. Like, really, really incapable off doing anything right. Ever.  Unfortunately, that's not necessarily the best way to keep friends. If all you do is mess up everything you touch, no one is going to want to have anything to do with you. 

That TPS report looked like it was filled out by someone ass-backwards with their head not screwed on properly. Don't ever talk to me again.

 That's why it's important to be amusingly incompetent. Yes, you will still be messing up everything that you touch, but, with practice, you will be doing it in a way that makes you endearing to the people who need to correct what you have destroyed. 

Hey guys? Can we just agree that I shouldn't be allowed near any of the tools ever again?

 For some of us, this comes naturally. Otherwise, you will need to work at this if you hope to ever have any free time in your life. Being incompetent is generally easier to perfect. If you have trouble with this, the best place to start is just by turning things in late. Then, with all the time you gained by extending the deadline, you can work on the amusing part of the equation. 


To make sure that you stay amusing in your incompetence, here are a few tips.

1) Make sure you stay good-natured. Foul-mouthed and incompetent is not endearing. 

Monkey balls! I dropped that dip-shit heavy package off the fuckin' cliff again!

2) Never make fun of someone else for being incompetent. Although it may seem like a good distraction technique, and it may get you a laugh, remember that it will ultimately remind people how incompetent you are. Besides, depending on the situation, this may backfire horribly.

"Ha! He'll never cut anything with that axe technique, the incompetent fool!"

"Whoops. He had that coming though, right?"
"Totally. Anyway, what are you doing after work?"

 3) Be self aware. Everyone knows you can't do shit, so it shouldn't be surprising to you. That's why it's endearing. You know you're useless, and you want to be helpful, but you just don't know how. 

Don't do this:
"Hey guys, check out how red I can make my face!"
"Ya mind helpin' out, you useless jerk?"

Instead, try this:
"I'll just help out from this side, guys! Squeeze when you're ready!"
"Oh, sweet Jesus, get him away from there. Can someone distract him with food?"

Amusing incompetence has mixed results for papers, however, as evidenced by the comment I got back from this end of term paper.

Considering what I would have gotten if I tried, a ?+ isn't too bad.

I have taught you all that I know about shirking work. Use it well, young slacker. 

Hope all is well with you, dear readers.

Introducing Milton

So a week or so ago, I was given a great responsibility. You see, a friend of mine thought she was going to have to inconvenience me, and she felt appropriately bad about it. Ultimately, it turned out that everything was going to be ok, and that I wouldn't be inconvenienced in the slightest. However, before we reached that stage, she decided to apologize to me by giving me a gift: a new friend. Well, at least, that's how I saw it. I think she thought she was giving me a plant.

At first, I was excited.  However, I soon realized that this friendship was a great responsibility. Milton, as I named him, requires a good deal of sunlight, being a succulent (as I learned from the label on his pot). My room, luxurious though it is, faces north, and thus does not provide Milton with the sunlight he needs to thrive. Within a few days, I was feeing pretty stressed about the burden his friendship placed on me. I felt guilty for having taken on a responsibility to care for a friend I could not provide for. I could tell that Milton spent a lot of time pining for the great outdoors.

Milton longing for the sunlight he cannot have. In this way, he's a lot like Birdman.

I realized that Milton wasn't going to be happy in our relationship unless I started seeing him outside of my room. So I've begun taking Milton for walks. 

It looks like a coffee cup, but it's just a little too leafy to be java.

I won't lie, I was a little bit self conscious about hanging out with Milton in public at the beginning. A lot of times, I would pretend that I wasn't friends with him.

Whoever that is, he certainly doesn't know what that plant is doing there.

I eventually got over it though, and started talking to him in public. This has ended up working really well for me; he's a great listener, and also gives really good advice.

Me: So, there's this girl I really like, but I don't know what to do.
Milton: Ok, first, you're going to need to find a honey bee. Or you could wait for the wind, if you're patient.

Still, I wish he was better at interacting with his own kind. He always seems a bit removed from other plants, and I worry that he just doesn't fit in with trees, despite how hard he tries.

So, uh... What are you doing next time it rains?

So that's Milton. I'll probably be spending a lot of time with him this semester, so if you see me out and about with him, drop by and introduce yourself. No one will think the worse of you for talking to plants. You'll just be grouped in the same region as people who talk to their fish and me.


Anyway, sorry for the lack of posting recently. I've been really busy (this doesn't sound right when I say it), but I'll try to ignore my work more effectively in the future.