So I woke up in a bit of a panic this morning. I had a dream where I was about to get married. I'm a bit hazy about some crucial details (i.e. who the bride was, what she looked like, how she felt about sandals and socks, etc.), but I know that I was pretty excited to tie the knot. More excited than my awake self has been about anything I can remember in recent times, so that was a kind of funny feeling.
Still, I woke up nervous for a couple of reasons. Firstly, the whole dream seemed uncharacteristic of me; I'm afraid of commitment to the point where I wouldn't like to keep a may-fly as a pet for fear that it would tie me down to one place (this fear of commitment also manifests itself in not talking to girls just in case I ended up liking one). Furthermore, the fact that I was as excited as I was to get married to someone I may or may not have known is something I find troublesome. I leave this one open to interpretation.
What really concerned me most were the ramifications of my dream self getting married; I became concerned with all sorts of hypothetical questions that had me really worried about the well-being of my dream self. Would my wife become a recurring character in my dreams? Would I have to remember anniversaries? Do chores? All of this had me worried.
Of all things, the most irrational was the guilt I felt. Like I said, in my dream, I was about to get married to a girl I felt strongly about (for whatever reasons). Before the actual event took place, I woke up, jilting my betrothed. Not to mention all the wedding guests who would have been angry that the reception wasn't actually going to take place. Poor breeding on my part, to say the least.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Applicable Adjectives with Pertinent Prefixes!
I am:
Outspoken (occasionally)
Introverted (inconsequentially)
Retrospective (irreproachably)
Progressive (appropriately)
Indifferent (impossibly)
Demeaned (dourly)
Incomprehensible (inexplicably)
Supercilious (slightly)
Incorrigible (entirely)
Subservient (tastefully)
Subversive (suprisingly)
Recalcitrant (reluctantly)
Unproductive (blamelessly)
Unassuming (modestly)
Over-achieving (pleasantly)
Under-utilized (sadly)
Over-worked (tragically)
Overcaffeinated (to-the-point-where-I-wrote-this-post-ly)
Outspoken (occasionally)
Introverted (inconsequentially)
Retrospective (irreproachably)
Progressive (appropriately)
Indifferent (impossibly)
Demeaned (dourly)
Incomprehensible (inexplicably)
Supercilious (slightly)
Incorrigible (entirely)
Subservient (tastefully)
Subversive (suprisingly)
Recalcitrant (reluctantly)
Unproductive (blamelessly)
Unassuming (modestly)
Over-achieving (pleasantly)
Under-utilized (sadly)
Over-worked (tragically)
Overcaffeinated (to-the-point-where-I-wrote-this-post-ly)
Monday, September 26, 2011
Light vs Dark, or, Why Mankind Should Not be Allowed to Make Decisions
As a race, we are fundamentally incapable of making up our minds. You've probably noticed this about yourself at some time. I know I feel this way every time I stand in front of a vending machine, which is why I always try to push every button at once and hope that the first button I press is something I like (this rarely happens. Normally it's something gross, like Milk Duds).
I was struck by the indecision characteristic to our entire species when my little brother pulled the shades down the other night.
See, I live in a city. At some point, people decided it was a problem that night was dark. Obviously, it would be better if everyone could see things at night, so they put a whole bunch of streetlights in, and then everything could be bright all the time! Problem solved!
But then, people (probably the very same people) realised that it was harder to sleep when it was bright out all the time, so they put shades in their room, meant to keep the bright light that they made outside stay there, and not sneak its way inside where it isn't always wanted. Second problem solved!
At this point, it didn't seem too ridiculous to me. Then I realised that this continues. Some people, inside their shade-darkened rooms, walk around at night, and don't like stepping on things. So, the nightlight gets invented! But heaven forbid that the nightlight be too bright! They put covers on the nightlight to stop it from shining too much! Of course they did! An uncovered nightlight would be too bright, thus making the shades useless, which were put up to keep the light from outside (which were put there because the general consensus was that it was too dark outside) from making things inside bright! DAH!
Which brings me to my point, namely that as a species, we should constrain our decision making to trivial matters (e.g. Do I want Vienna Fingers or a Snickers bar?), and leave the important decisions (anything that could possibly affect anyone/thing else, ever) to a species better suited for decision making. Maybe dolphins.
I was struck by the indecision characteristic to our entire species when my little brother pulled the shades down the other night.
See, I live in a city. At some point, people decided it was a problem that night was dark. Obviously, it would be better if everyone could see things at night, so they put a whole bunch of streetlights in, and then everything could be bright all the time! Problem solved!
But then, people (probably the very same people) realised that it was harder to sleep when it was bright out all the time, so they put shades in their room, meant to keep the bright light that they made outside stay there, and not sneak its way inside where it isn't always wanted. Second problem solved!
At this point, it didn't seem too ridiculous to me. Then I realised that this continues. Some people, inside their shade-darkened rooms, walk around at night, and don't like stepping on things. So, the nightlight gets invented! But heaven forbid that the nightlight be too bright! They put covers on the nightlight to stop it from shining too much! Of course they did! An uncovered nightlight would be too bright, thus making the shades useless, which were put up to keep the light from outside (which were put there because the general consensus was that it was too dark outside) from making things inside bright! DAH!
Which brings me to my point, namely that as a species, we should constrain our decision making to trivial matters (e.g. Do I want Vienna Fingers or a Snickers bar?), and leave the important decisions (anything that could possibly affect anyone/thing else, ever) to a species better suited for decision making. Maybe dolphins.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Confusion: NASCAR Edition
I saw a commercial with Dale Earnhardt Jr. in which he said that he knew it was important to take care of the NASCAR fans, because without them, there wouldn't be any NASCAR. I understand the logic, but the conclusion he reached is confusing to me. Given the implications, I would opt not to take care of the NASCAR fans.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
A New Direction for Diary of a Brendan
It's been over a month since I last wrote a blog post. Actually, that's too limiting. It's been over a month since I've engaged in any marginally creative or self-expressive activity. This doesn't end now. My current job is more time consuming than I could have expected, and I am no longer surrounded by a group of my peers, many of whom are more creative and talented than I could hope to be. The ultimate result is I do not have the time or the inspiration to write posts like the ones I wrote when I was less gainfully (this adverb is subject for debate) employed.
But I rebel!
I may not have the time to compose my thoughts as thoroughly as I did before, but I refuse to let that stop me from having interesting thoughts. When I do, I will attempt to share them. They may be shorter than I would want, but hopefully they will exist. Just like leprechauns!
But I rebel!
 |
| A man (similarly) in revolt |
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Special Edition: Shark Week!
Today, one of my friends asked me why I'm afraid of sharks.* In honor of Shark Week, and to prevent anyone from ever asking me this question again**, I've compiled a list of the most compelling reasons I am afraid of sharks.
*I know, I know. Seriously?
**It makes me think of sharks, which frightens me.
REASONS TO FEAR SHARKS
1 - ~3,000: Each tooth in a shark's mouth, any of which is, at any given moment, probably sharper than what I shave with.
3,001: Sharks always win at pool. Always. And most of the time, they win because you pocket the 8-ball before you should have.
3,002: If you gaze into a shark's ink-black, demon eyes, your soul will freeze instantly.
3,003: In addition to being able to smell a drop of blood from 3 miles away, sharks can smell a half-second spray of Axe or any amount of Old Spice from any ocean in the world. They consider these scents to be fine marinades.
3,004: If you ever kill a shark (directly or indirectly by using a product that includes shark-anything), their ghost will follow you forever, alerting other sharks to your whereabouts with an annoying whistle they do through their ghostly teeth.
3,005: Having been around for over 400 million years, sharks are masters of trivia, and will always defeat you at trivia night. They are also graceless winners, and will mock you for your poor performance in the 80s pop-music category long after the contest is over. True story.
3,006: Shark skin is so tough that it walks through West Philadelphia at night without a weapon.
3,007: In late-night feeding frenzies, Sharks can consume over 6,000 twinkies, which is the equivalent of approximately 4 people.
3,008: Sharks have been known to eat their young, even without condiments and often without utensils.
3,009: When driving, sharks tailgate at high speeds and pass on the right unexpectedly.
3,010: Sharks kill approximately one person in the United States per year in unprovoked attacks. IT COULD BE YOU!
There are more, but these are the top reasons. I would love to know why you're frightened of sharks; I know you have your reasons.
*I know, I know. Seriously?
**It makes me think of sharks, which frightens me.
REASONS TO FEAR SHARKS
1 - ~3,000: Each tooth in a shark's mouth, any of which is, at any given moment, probably sharper than what I shave with.
3,001: Sharks always win at pool. Always. And most of the time, they win because you pocket the 8-ball before you should have.
3,002: If you gaze into a shark's ink-black, demon eyes, your soul will freeze instantly.
3,003: In addition to being able to smell a drop of blood from 3 miles away, sharks can smell a half-second spray of Axe or any amount of Old Spice from any ocean in the world. They consider these scents to be fine marinades.
3,004: If you ever kill a shark (directly or indirectly by using a product that includes shark-anything), their ghost will follow you forever, alerting other sharks to your whereabouts with an annoying whistle they do through their ghostly teeth.
3,005: Having been around for over 400 million years, sharks are masters of trivia, and will always defeat you at trivia night. They are also graceless winners, and will mock you for your poor performance in the 80s pop-music category long after the contest is over. True story.
3,006: Shark skin is so tough that it walks through West Philadelphia at night without a weapon.
3,007: In late-night feeding frenzies, Sharks can consume over 6,000 twinkies, which is the equivalent of approximately 4 people.
3,008: Sharks have been known to eat their young, even without condiments and often without utensils.
3,009: When driving, sharks tailgate at high speeds and pass on the right unexpectedly.
3,010: Sharks kill approximately one person in the United States per year in unprovoked attacks. IT COULD BE YOU!
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| So many reasons... Image taken from Something Awful's Photoshop Phriday series. |
Remember, live every week as if it were shark week.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Kansas, My As! Or, KISS MY kansAS)
Those of you who have spoken to me recently may have heard that I just got back from a cross (most of the) country trip. It was a great time; I got to spend quality time with a bunch of friends, met some great people and all in all got to pretend that I was an adventurer (which is easier for me when I'm travelling than when the greatest danger I face is that I might go hungry because my natural indecisiveness makes it impossible for me to decide where I want to get food). At the end of the trip, I had a new respect for America, a few new friends, several favors owed and peace of mind. That's not to say the whole trip was wonderful; there were about seven hours of misery that coincided with when my friend and I drove through Kansas.
I don't want to sound like a hater. Honestly, I came into the trip with high expectations for Kansas. The first presentiment I had that it could be less than I had hoped came in Missouri. We were camping in a National Forest and met two Missourians (more on them later, perhaps). As we explained our plans for the next day, one of them interrupted, "Oh, man, you're going through Kansas? That sucks, I only drive through Kansas during night because I don't have to look at it. I feel sorry for whoever's driving that stretch." The next fifteen minutes of the conversation consisted of them explaining the many reasons they hated going through Kansas.
Still, the next day we drove off and after an intimidating storm that forced us to pull over (conveniently near a Waffle House*, I might add), left Missouri. Then we entered Kansas. The first 30 miles were actually beautiful: rolling green hills, pastures, horsies, you know, the usual. Then we passed one turn, at which point almost everything green dropped behind us and slowly disappeared through the rear window as I clawed at the seat and asked desperately to turn around, to no avail. We continued into Kansas, and for the next seven hours, almost everything was the same grey, dusty scenery.
*Actually, a disappointment. Turns out they used aluminum and wood, like most other diners I've seen.
The strange thing was that it changed as soon as we crossed the border into Colorado. It wasn't a mental thing; it was actually prettier. It was as if whoever made the border decided to bound in a lot of ugly into one state and just get it over with (no offense to any beautiful Kansas folks out there!*)
*Ha.
That being said, I came out of the trip with a new understanding of two things. First, I realized that when Dorothy turns to Toto and says, "Something tells me we're not in Kansas anymore," she's issuing a sigh of relief. I wonder what it was that told her; probably a tree, a lake, a river, or anything remotely beautiful. Secondly, I understood the joke one of the Missourians told us at the campsite, which I will recount for you.
The night before Little Bighorn, General Custer sent out a scout to assess the situation. When the scout returned, he told Custer that he had good news and bad news, and asked the general which he'd like to here first.
"I'll take the bad news first," the General said.
"Sir, I've looked around, and we're not going to make out of here alive," the scout told him dismally.
"Ok," the stoic General replied. "Now what's the good news?"
"Well, Sir," the scout said, brightening up, "we're not going to have to march back across Kansas again!"
I made it out alive, but only thanks to a cheap one-way flight. Thank God.
So, I'm back now, and everything's going well. There are more stories that may get posted as time goes on, but I've also started working, so who knows what quality or length will follow from here on out. Hope that everything is going well with you!
I don't want to sound like a hater. Honestly, I came into the trip with high expectations for Kansas. The first presentiment I had that it could be less than I had hoped came in Missouri. We were camping in a National Forest and met two Missourians (more on them later, perhaps). As we explained our plans for the next day, one of them interrupted, "Oh, man, you're going through Kansas? That sucks, I only drive through Kansas during night because I don't have to look at it. I feel sorry for whoever's driving that stretch." The next fifteen minutes of the conversation consisted of them explaining the many reasons they hated going through Kansas.
Still, the next day we drove off and after an intimidating storm that forced us to pull over (conveniently near a Waffle House*, I might add), left Missouri. Then we entered Kansas. The first 30 miles were actually beautiful: rolling green hills, pastures, horsies, you know, the usual. Then we passed one turn, at which point almost everything green dropped behind us and slowly disappeared through the rear window as I clawed at the seat and asked desperately to turn around, to no avail. We continued into Kansas, and for the next seven hours, almost everything was the same grey, dusty scenery.
*Actually, a disappointment. Turns out they used aluminum and wood, like most other diners I've seen.
 |
| The most exciting portion of Kansas (see? There's a train!) |
*Ha.
That being said, I came out of the trip with a new understanding of two things. First, I realized that when Dorothy turns to Toto and says, "Something tells me we're not in Kansas anymore," she's issuing a sigh of relief. I wonder what it was that told her; probably a tree, a lake, a river, or anything remotely beautiful. Secondly, I understood the joke one of the Missourians told us at the campsite, which I will recount for you.
The night before Little Bighorn, General Custer sent out a scout to assess the situation. When the scout returned, he told Custer that he had good news and bad news, and asked the general which he'd like to here first.
"I'll take the bad news first," the General said.
"Sir, I've looked around, and we're not going to make out of here alive," the scout told him dismally.
"Ok," the stoic General replied. "Now what's the good news?"
"Well, Sir," the scout said, brightening up, "we're not going to have to march back across Kansas again!"
I made it out alive, but only thanks to a cheap one-way flight. Thank God.
So, I'm back now, and everything's going well. There are more stories that may get posted as time goes on, but I've also started working, so who knows what quality or length will follow from here on out. Hope that everything is going well with you!
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