Introducing my Stunt Double

I mentioned a while back that I was looking for a stunt double. Naturally, applications flooded in; I actually received two million* resumes. Of course, I had high expectations for the person who would stand in for me in all of the stupid things I do. I'm pleased to announce that the job was awarded to someone who met all of my requirements. Fearless? Check. Bears a strange resemblance to me? Check. Unable to distinguish good ideas from near-death experiences waiting to happen? Check. Almost entirely indestructible? Check. Meet my new stunt double.
*Two million is my new large number. I use it interchangeably with 'a lot.' eg: "Brendan, you don't have any friends, don't lie." "That's not true, I have, like, two million!"

Meet Miniature Brendan. Note his dedication; he even wears a "B."

It wasn't easy to settle on the right applicant for the job. I'll be honest, I was tempted to hire this next guy, but it didn't seem right. Something about him was just too cool. And I don't really want a stunt double who would make me look even less cool in comparison than I already do.

Damn, he even has a leather jacket and manly stubble.

What's more, it just wasn't realistic. I mean, shoot, he's even good with the ladies.*

*I've noticed that anyone who refers to women as a group as "the ladies" is generally not good with 'the ladies.'

"Ooooh, you're so manly. Hold me, please."
"Damn straight, I am. Hoo-ah!"

Then I saw how little Brendan did with the fairer sex, and it was comforting to see someone equally inept as I am.

"Um, hi. I'm Brendan."
"You idiot, can't you tell I'm on my bluetooth?"
"Oh. I'll go cry now. Nice to have tried to talk to you."

 But then there were some applications that I didn't consider for my stunt double, despite their awesome facial hair. These were the photos they submitted; I can only imagine what horrors they committed to end up in such a police lineup. It probably involved round yellow heads rolling around, dismembered hands, and torsos cleanly separated from legs.

Would ya look at that! They're the same height!

So that's my new supporting cast; keep an eye out for them as they help me document dangerous adventures in my life.