Thursday, May 24, 2012

Dangerous Car Fresheners

This morning on a bus, I saw an car freshener in a scent I hadn't seen before. It was called "Black Ice," which seems like an odd name for something to keep dangling in a car.

Ah yes, "Black Ice," and the other scents in that line, "Spin Out," "Steel Railing," and "Smoldering Wreck."

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Executive Summary: Fundraiser Contributions

As many of you were aware, my friend's band will be releasing an album soon, and I offered my help publicizing his fundraising project. I'm sure you're wondering how much my efforts contributed to helping them reach their goal, who won the prized collection of my finest, illustrated haikus, and who killed Mr. Body in the bedroom with the candlestick*.
*Ms. Scarlet, but that was only because of what Mr. Body tried to do to her with the candlestick. He had it coming.

Well, dear friend, hold your breath no longer. Thanks to an elaborate algorithm I have devised that divides the total amount donated under dirty names since I advertised this effort by a denominator composed of a complex function involving website hits, frequency of google searches for my blog, fake phone numbers given to me by pretty girls I attempted to convince to contribute to the campaign or go on dates with me, and the second derivative of how many cookies I eat at work as a function of my productivity, I have concluded that my efforts netted a total of $0.00 for A Thousand Year's At Sea's new album (to date).

This means that the donor with the most obscene name remains front-runner "Haywood Jablomi," who, it turns out, is none other than yours truly (I would have a photo of my stunt-double bowing here if I could find him. Someone please come drink with me while we rummage through my room, and if we find him, I will gladly add a photo later). To reward myself, I will start compiling my haikus in a booklet of post-its I will keep by my microscope, Jim (for now), my most recent inanimate friend.

Jim (for now) the Microscope
If you have a better name for Jim (for now) the Microscope, please feel free to suggest it and I will consider dedicating a haiku to you.

Lastly, while A Thousand Years at Sea has officially ended their fundraiser, they still welcome contributions to their beer-money fund, and would be happy to arrange a swap in which you would give them money and they will give your their music or gear. Feel free to bother Colin Cotter if this interests you.

And now, I would like to formally announce that Diary of a Brendan will return to its Not-for-Profit Origins. Check back for updates soon, and please leave comments if you have a suggestion for a new name for Jim (for now), the Microscope!

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

A Little Help for my Friends #3

I'll keep this brief.

Support A Thousand Years at Sea's new album. When asked how you want your name to be seen by others, enter a dirty (and funny) name. The funniest dirty name gets a prize from me.

That prize is...

A hand-written collection of my finest haikus. Illustrated by yours truly.

Estimated value of this (as of yet unwritten) collection: priceless.

I meant to make this post longer, more detailed, and involve photographs of my stunt double. However, I had to deal with a personal injury (which is so funny that it will be detailed in a future post soon) this evening. Also, I am currently organizing a manhunt, because I can't find my stunt double and the regular cast. Let me know if you'd like to help find him (i.e. sit around my room and drink beer. Please, someone help me because it's depressing if I have to do this myself).


Reason #5 to donate to ATYAS: Make those haikus yours. To the victor go the spoils.