Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Special Edition: Shark Week!

Today, one of my friends asked me why I'm afraid of sharks.* In honor of Shark Week, and to prevent anyone from ever asking me this question again**, I've compiled a list of the most compelling reasons I am  afraid of sharks.
*I know, I know. Seriously?
**It makes me think of sharks, which frightens me. 

1 - ~3,000: Each tooth in a shark's mouth, any of which is, at any given moment, probably sharper than what I shave with.

3,001: Sharks always win at pool. Always. And most of the time, they win because you pocket the 8-ball before you should have.

3,002:  If you gaze into a shark's ink-black, demon eyes, your soul will freeze instantly.

3,003: In addition to being able to smell a drop of blood from 3 miles away, sharks can smell a half-second spray of Axe or any amount of Old Spice from any ocean in the world. They consider these scents to be fine marinades.

3,004: If you ever kill a shark (directly or indirectly by using a product that includes shark-anything), their ghost will follow you forever, alerting other sharks to your whereabouts with an annoying whistle they do through their ghostly teeth.

3,005: Having been around for over 400 million years, sharks are masters of trivia, and will always defeat you at trivia night. They are also graceless winners, and will mock you for your poor performance in the 80s  pop-music category long after the contest is over. True story.

3,006: Shark skin is so tough that it walks through West Philadelphia at night without a weapon.

3,007: In late-night feeding frenzies, Sharks can consume over 6,000 twinkies, which is the equivalent of approximately 4 people.

3,008: Sharks have been known to eat their young, even without condiments and often without utensils.

3,009: When driving, sharks tailgate at high speeds and pass on the right unexpectedly.

3,010:  Sharks kill approximately one person in the United States per year in unprovoked attacks. IT COULD BE YOU!

So many reasons...
Image taken from Something Awful's Photoshop Phriday series.
There are more, but these are the top reasons. I would love to know why you're frightened of sharks; I know you have your reasons.

 Remember, live every week as if it were shark week.