Special Edition: Shark Week!

Today, one of my friends asked me why I'm afraid of sharks.* In honor of Shark Week, and to prevent anyone from ever asking me this question again**, I've compiled a list of the most compelling reasons I am  afraid of sharks.
*I know, I know. Seriously?
**It makes me think of sharks, which frightens me. 


REASONS TO FEAR SHARKS
1 - ~3,000: Each tooth in a shark's mouth, any of which is, at any given moment, probably sharper than what I shave with.

3,001: Sharks always win at pool. Always. And most of the time, they win because you pocket the 8-ball before you should have.

3,002:  If you gaze into a shark's ink-black, demon eyes, your soul will freeze instantly.

3,003: In addition to being able to smell a drop of blood from 3 miles away, sharks can smell a half-second spray of Axe or any amount of Old Spice from any ocean in the world. They consider these scents to be fine marinades.

3,004: If you ever kill a shark (directly or indirectly by using a product that includes shark-anything), their ghost will follow you forever, alerting other sharks to your whereabouts with an annoying whistle they do through their ghostly teeth.

3,005: Having been around for over 400 million years, sharks are masters of trivia, and will always defeat you at trivia night. They are also graceless winners, and will mock you for your poor performance in the 80s  pop-music category long after the contest is over. True story.

3,006: Shark skin is so tough that it walks through West Philadelphia at night without a weapon.

3,007: In late-night feeding frenzies, Sharks can consume over 6,000 twinkies, which is the equivalent of approximately 4 people.

3,008: Sharks have been known to eat their young, even without condiments and often without utensils.

3,009: When driving, sharks tailgate at high speeds and pass on the right unexpectedly.

3,010:  Sharks kill approximately one person in the United States per year in unprovoked attacks. IT COULD BE YOU!

So many reasons...
Image taken from Something Awful's Photoshop Phriday series.

There are more, but these are the top reasons. I would love to know why you're frightened of sharks; I know you have your reasons.

 Remember, live every week as if it were shark week. 

Uncool Near Death Experiences

So I was watching a football game with some friends earlier. There happened to be nachos (!), and we were all munching on the them, as is appropriate. At some point, I noticed that one of the girls in the group was reaching for a glass of water just beyond her reach. Fortunately, I was within arm's reach of both the glass of water and her hand, so I grabbed the glass and passed it to her. "Man, I'm so perceptive," I thought to myself. "Her boyfriend didn't even notice that she was thirsty, and I did. I'm pretty darn awesome."

While I was congratulating myself on being one of the best friends ever, the girl tried to gulp a little bit of water. I turned my attention back to the TV, but was distracted when the girl started waving her hands around and making all sorts of spastic "I can't breathe" gestures. Everyone present quickly conferred and decided that she was trying to tell us she was choking. In fairness to us, she didn't use the universal "I happen to be choking" sign*, so it wasn't a given that all of her gesturing to her throat meant that she couldn't breathe.

*I think you can buy one at most pharmacies. They're wallet sized. Right?

Fortunately, I've sat through my fair share of CPR/First Aid classes, and the only thing I ever really payed attention to was the Heimlich Maneuver*, so I actually knew what to do. I was able to dislodge the offending nacho, so I felt briefly useful, which was a really cool, novel feeling that I don't expect to experience any time again for a while. Also, the football play that happened at the time she was choking was a really important play, so there was a lot of adrenaline going on right then.
*Accusations that I felt up my beautiful partner were completely unfounded. I swear.

Still, there isn't really a hero's acclaim that goes along with saving someone who is choking, and I understand that. At first, I was disappointed that no one patted me on the back and told me "That was awesome, man! Holy shit!" But then I thought back to when I was younger and choked on pizza in a restaurant. My dad performed the heimlich on me, which I am thankful for, but I remember immediately afterwards feeling really embarrassed. It was sort of a big deal in the restaurant at the moment, and truth be told, it was pretty awkward. I just sort of sat around at the table afterwards and tried to slip under the table where no one would notice me. That's because even though choking is dangerous, it's not a "cool" near-death experience, and I group it with a few other uncool near-death (or moderate injury) experiences that I've been in.

1) Choking: Everyone is hanging out, having a nice time, snacking away. All of a sudden, you're the idiot who doesn't know how to even eat, a function most animals with brains way smaller than yours can manage. Now someone needs to get up, stand in a pretty weird looking position, and make it look to every onlooker like your rescuer is being abusive. In actuality, you just can't swallow food right, and now, everyone around knows exactly how big of an idiot you are.

2) Nearly getting hit by a car: You're crossing a street, paying attention to something really important to you. Maybe you're wondering about something really important, like why crayons don't taste as good as they look, or maybe you're just doing your best Ray Charles impression, but you totally don't see a car coming right at you. An instant before you hitch a ride on the hood of a taxi (one of the dangers of New York), a stranger grabs you by the arm and pulls you out of harm's way. He probably has a questioning look normally reserved for people who suggest that Elvis staged the moon landing from the Hindenburg.

3) Tripping while walking: Maybe it's not near death, but it can be dangerous. You all know the feeling; you're walking smoothly, then all of a sudden, you're not. Maybe you sprain your wrist on the way down, or maybe someone grabs you to keep you from falling. Either way, it would be the equivalent of watching a bird just fall to its demise*.

*But nowhere near as touching as this video, and without the good soundtrack:

In short, for all of these events, there exists this tacit understanding that, despite something really serious having just happened, maybe it's best not to talk about it for a bit. It's not like, say, being in a plane that plummets ten thousand feet before its engines come back to life, or being in a motorcycle accident. It's just not a good story, and it reflects poorly on you.So don't worry. If I see you involved in one of these situations, I'll have the decency not to say anything about it. I expect the same from you.

Anyway, I hope all is well and that you avoid all uncool near-death experiences. If you have any others that you'd care to share, I'd love to hear them!

Condomanners: A glimpse into my job as an RA

For those of you who don't know, I moonlight as an Resident Adviser at my university. It's a great job, although there are a few frustrations that go along with it.


One thing I do is try to provide contraception for the floor. I keep a little baggie of condoms on a bulletin board outside my door, and try to keep it full. It's nice, because people on my floor get to have sex, and when I hear the rustling of the bag, I know someone on the floor is getting lucky. And that makes me happy (or jealous. Sigh). Recently, despite my best efforts, I can't seem to keep the bag full. I have a sneaking suspicion that people have been taking condoms unnecessarily, so I sent my floor this email. Because I haven't been posting recently, I thought I'd share this, because I thought it was funny.

Subject: Condomanners


 Hey Floor,
A quick note on proper condom etiquette.

Firstly, yes, it is the gentleman's responsibility to provide the condom. Not bringing the condom is a lot like not buying your high school prom date the corsage. You just won't get laid if that's the case.

However, it is not my job to ensure that you can get laid in any situation whatsoever. When is it appropriate go grab a condom from the bag? Take this quick quiz and see how you do!

1) You are going to the chicken and rice guy on 115th street. Perhaps you will see a really cute girl in front of you, hit on her, and buy her a kebab. Oh yeah. You know what kind of kebab she wants.

2) You are going out to Campo. Everyone's chances at Campo are pretty much golden, right?

3) You have just been surprise booty called by Gisele Bundchen. She is in town, because the Patriots are is playing division rivals the Jets, and seeing as Tom hasn't really been meeting her standards recently, she needs a little extra lovin' from you.

4) You are going on a month-long journey to Amsterdam. Holla(nd)!

5) Things went really well at 1020. In fact, there will probably be a happy ending in your room. Sorry, roomie!

6) Your significant other is your roommate. Pass the condom bag every day, several times a day.

7) That supply of yours ran out (pound it). But hey, you're getting lucky tonight.

So, what were your answers? They should have been 3, 5 and 7. Those are all really good reasons to drop by the condom bag and grab one or two. If you chose 1,2,4, or 6 however, you were mistaken.

You see, I get condoms from Health Services in massive quantities, and use that supply to keep our floor supplied. As much as I like it when the people in health services stare at me and think that I'm some sort of legend when I grab condoms by the boatload, it's sort of inconvenient to go there every other week. If you really go through condoms faster than Wile E Coyote goes through Acme catalogs, then you should drop by health services yourself for the free condoms. They're the exact same, I swear. The fact that I have touched them won't make them any better, nor will it increase your chances. So spread the word. Pass this email along to any of those jerks from other floors that I've seen stealing the condoms, too.

Sincerely,
Your RA. 


Anyway, let me know if you'd like to hear more about my RA exploits. As soon as I get a bit more time in my schedule, I'll be posting more regularly. Hope all is well!

You Mean This Isn't Mario Kart?

Over the course of the past two weeks, I've done a lot of driving. I'm not complaining; I like driving as much as the next person (as long as the next person is Steve McQueen), and I'm not a bad driver*. But one thing I noticed is that whenever I told someone I was getting in the car to go someplace, they would say, "Drive safely!"
*compared to many popular singers, like Billy Joel or Ray Charles.


At first, this seems like a well meaning wish, one that could be grouped with a few other pieces of advice.
1) Drive safely!
2) Don't be a stranger!
3) Pack a towel! They're useful!
4) Evacuate the premises, because they are on fire!
5) Don't ever look at my sister like that again!

The more I thought about it, however, the stranger it seemed to me. What is it supposed to change? And what do these people who say 'drive safely' think I would do if they didn't give me that crucial piece of advice? They probably gloat to themselves happily, imagining me driving down a highway with these things passing through my mind...

1) The drive is 200 miles on roads, but 50 how the crow flies. This isn't even a question! On the other hand, I could drive safely, like Joey suggested. And that lake is probably pretty deep... Ah, I'll take the roads.

2) I am totally going to jump this drawbridge, just like in the Blues Brothers. Oh shoot, this isn't the Blues-mobile, and Billy said I should drive safe. Maybe I'll wait for the bridge to come down.

3) I'll bet with a broomstick on the accelerator and my knees on the wheel, I could drive while sticking my head out of the sunroof... Then again, Maggie said I should drive safely... I'll find an abandoned parking lot to try this out in.

4) Gosh, I'm getting sleepy. I think to keep myself awake, I'll drive against the direction of traffic! I can do this, I played Mario Kart when I was little... Wait, I remember when Larry told me to drive safely. I think I'll just pull over and nap.

5) I think I'll go for a drive with that guy's sister I was looking at funny earlier. Actually, he also told me to drive safely, and getting his sister in this car would be distracting... I'll stay home again tonight.

Probably what I would be doing if no one told me to drive safely.

Still, I understand that people would like me to be safe. And I'm fine with that, if someone personally says, "Brendan, drive safely." But impersonal warnings are just too much for me. The worst case of this I experienced came from the radio. It turns out that some new radios can tell what song is playing on fm radio (!), and if you push an 'Info' button, it will display the song's name and the artist.

So no shit, there I was, driving 90mph down I-87 with two handles of whiskey taped to my hands (half empty already, of course), talking on a cell phone and blindfolded when a good song came on the radio. "Cool," I thought to myself. "This song's got a nasty beat. I wonder who it is." So I pushed the info button. What scrolled across the screen but digital green letters spelling "Are you driving safely? DRIVE SAFELY."

"SHIT!" I exclaimed, ripping the blindfold off of my eyes and tearing the whiskey bottles off of my hands, spilling them out the car, and tossing the cell phone into the  back seat beyond my reach. "I've got to drive safely because the radio told me to!"

That's actually not what happened. I laughed that the radio would be so presumptuous as to accuse me of driving dangerously, and tapped on the accelerator a bit to spite it. Whoever programmed that was one smarmy, sarcastic ass who thought to himself, "whoever wants to know what song is playing while driving should be scolded!" Jerk.

That's it for now. Drive however the heck you want.