The NFL's Safe Spaces Need to Go

I'm taking some time out of my busy life as a grad student to jump on a new bandwagon. Criticizing safe spaces at universities has been a fun hobby for anyone who is looking for extra things to be angry at, and I've got some anger to spare these days, so I want to criticize them too.

I'm vaguely familiar with safe spaces. I recently played tag with a friend's 5 year old, and I was reminded that when playing tag, you NEED to set up a base where tag doesn't count. 5 year olds are really arbitrary about where and when bases exist, but let me tell you this - she put them everywhere, and playing with her was annoying. Losing at tag to a kid who makes the rules was humiliating. A place where you are "safe" has no place in tag or in life.

Which brings me to the most offensive secret safe-spaces in American culture, and I'm honestly shocked this has not been discussed more.

The NFL is absolutely chock full of safe spaces, and it is downright un-American.

The other team's end zone is an absurd place to have a safe-space, but there it is.  Defenders are allowed to clobber whoever is holding the ball until that slippery eel touches the safe zone and is totally off limits.

Take a look at this pansy taking advantage of a safe space. 

At the very least, defenders are allowed to try to stop the other team from getting into the end zone. What's worse are the sidelines. It only looks like football is an anything-goes sort of game, but it's not. Sissy safe-spaces pervade. In fact, most of the world is an unfair safe space - as soon as a player steps 'out of bounds,' he can't be hit, which frustrates defenders to no end. Imagine trying to slam someone's face into.the grass only to find out you can't touch him because he's in a giant safe space with all of his friends standing in a line sticking their tongues out at you.

No wonder Rex Ryan tries to stay on the sidelines

Compare that to a real sport like professional wrestling, where once you knock your opponent out of the ring, you do whatever it takes to finish him because that's how life works. Don't like it? Tough. Eat a steel ladder.

Real men have no use for boundaries

Football isn't immune to the politically correct trend, either. Some players are somehow "different" and hitting them is a foul. Touch a kicker the wrong way and a defender gets flagged, even when the kicker is in the middle of the playing field.

Quit acting like the rules should be different for the vulnerable among us  

These rules insisting that kickers, exposed receivers, or throwing quarterbacks somehow deserve different treatment destroys the integrity of the game. The nerve of Cam Newton appealing to referees because defenders aren't respecting his safe space on the field! 

Don't think of it as brain damage, think of it as a quaterback's rite of passage

I firmly believe that everyone should have a place where they make the rules and feel like they are in control.  For me, like many American males, that is my home. I should not feel like anyone else is imposing their arbitrary and oppressive power structures when I just want to relax and not deal with other people making me feel crappy. My safe space is the football season, so please get your safe spaces out of it.

ed. note - the opinions above do not represent the actual opinions of the author. He is simply grumpy about recent events and decided sarcasm was an ok coping mechanism. 

Split Laundry Personalities

Because of my own limited experiences and my exposure to fictional characters such as Two-Face and Jekly and Hyde, I always thought of split personality disorder as a largely fictional disease. Even then, I imagined that if were real, it would have dramatic symptoms. Alter egos were evil beings who love destruction, who revel in chaos and who fiddle while Rome burns.

I've begun to suspect that split personalities are not so rare, nor so dramatic; I even worry that I might have one. I realized this just this evening after returning from the laundromat. I placed my clean clothes on the floor and grabbed my towel off of the door hook only to find a used undershirt hiding there. "I have no idea how that got there" was the first thing I thought, but, deep down, I knew that I myself placed it there.

This is not the first time something like this has happened. In my experience as a (pretend) grown up who does his own laundry, it's a rare occassion that I return to my room not to find an extra sock or pair of boxers hiding in a dusty nook, waiting desperately to be found and reunited with their generation of dirty clothes.

And that bugs the crap out of me. Laundry is already a sysiphean task; it's as if Sysiphus realized reached the crest he had been aiming for only to find it was was actually only a plateau, and the hill continued! So I find it strange that my natural aversion to doing laundry hasn't trained me to clean every possible under(shirt/wear) and sock so that I can get every last day out of that laundry load.

With that in mind, what if I do have an alter-ego who loves destruction, who hates order and efficiency, and whose ultimate goal is to hasten the entropy of the universe? And what if the way that he manifests that is to hide my laundry from me? That would explain the socks tucked inside pillowcases, the shirts hidden in instruments and the underwear disguised in a stack of magazines. This would also explain why my split personality is so well hidden from everyone else, and even myself.  His mission is so discrete and precise that he can afford to snooze most of the time, only awakening at key moments. But then, in an instant, he can appear to tug open the doors under the sink and flick an undershirt in before he disappears without me noticing.

I tell you, it's a scary thing once you realize what your alter ego might be up to. I fear I may be trapped in a battle of wits with him till the end of my days.

Escaping Nightmares

My dream self seems to be coming up with more and more creative ways of getting out of nightmare situations. Last night, as I was about to drift over the edge of what appeared to be an impossibly high waterfall, I realized that I only had a few plywood boards to work with. I concluded that the best thing to do was to flap them hard enough to try and fly and guide myself to a safe landing. Anyone with any knowledge of aerodynamics could say this probably wouldn't work, especially considering that the pieces of wood I had were fairly clunky. Fortunately, this turned out to be unnecessary. After cresting the edge of the waterfall, I started dropping, only to find myself on a slightly inclined shelf in a huge supermarket. The waterfall turned out to be a huge display piece in a giant, Walmart-like store.

If only I had been this mentally nimble several weeks ago, when I dreamed that a friend of mine wanted me to go see a movie he had enjoyed. After he finally convinced me to go see the movie, six (6) people broke into the room we were in and commenced trying to kill me (guns, explosions, etc.). It turned out that the movie was some sort of create-your-own-adventure experience, in which as soon as you decided to see the movie, people started trying to kill you. I had to have my friend, who was incidentally caught in the crossfire, explain this to me, but once he did, it made sense.  The best part of the whole dream (except the part where I killed or evaded six (6) would be assassins) was after he explained how the movie worked, he told me "It's not as good the second time you see it." 

Uncool Near Death Experiences

So I was watching a football game with some friends earlier. There happened to be nachos (!), and we were all munching on the them, as is appropriate. At some point, I noticed that one of the girls in the group was reaching for a glass of water just beyond her reach. Fortunately, I was within arm's reach of both the glass of water and her hand, so I grabbed the glass and passed it to her. "Man, I'm so perceptive," I thought to myself. "Her boyfriend didn't even notice that she was thirsty, and I did. I'm pretty darn awesome."

While I was congratulating myself on being one of the best friends ever, the girl tried to gulp a little bit of water. I turned my attention back to the TV, but was distracted when the girl started waving her hands around and making all sorts of spastic "I can't breathe" gestures. Everyone present quickly conferred and decided that she was trying to tell us she was choking. In fairness to us, she didn't use the universal "I happen to be choking" sign*, so it wasn't a given that all of her gesturing to her throat meant that she couldn't breathe.

*I think you can buy one at most pharmacies. They're wallet sized. Right?

Fortunately, I've sat through my fair share of CPR/First Aid classes, and the only thing I ever really payed attention to was the Heimlich Maneuver*, so I actually knew what to do. I was able to dislodge the offending nacho, so I felt briefly useful, which was a really cool, novel feeling that I don't expect to experience any time again for a while. Also, the football play that happened at the time she was choking was a really important play, so there was a lot of adrenaline going on right then.
*Accusations that I felt up my beautiful partner were completely unfounded. I swear.

Still, there isn't really a hero's acclaim that goes along with saving someone who is choking, and I understand that. At first, I was disappointed that no one patted me on the back and told me "That was awesome, man! Holy shit!" But then I thought back to when I was younger and choked on pizza in a restaurant. My dad performed the heimlich on me, which I am thankful for, but I remember immediately afterwards feeling really embarrassed. It was sort of a big deal in the restaurant at the moment, and truth be told, it was pretty awkward. I just sort of sat around at the table afterwards and tried to slip under the table where no one would notice me. That's because even though choking is dangerous, it's not a "cool" near-death experience, and I group it with a few other uncool near-death (or moderate injury) experiences that I've been in.

1) Choking: Everyone is hanging out, having a nice time, snacking away. All of a sudden, you're the idiot who doesn't know how to even eat, a function most animals with brains way smaller than yours can manage. Now someone needs to get up, stand in a pretty weird looking position, and make it look to every onlooker like your rescuer is being abusive. In actuality, you just can't swallow food right, and now, everyone around knows exactly how big of an idiot you are.

2) Nearly getting hit by a car: You're crossing a street, paying attention to something really important to you. Maybe you're wondering about something really important, like why crayons don't taste as good as they look, or maybe you're just doing your best Ray Charles impression, but you totally don't see a car coming right at you. An instant before you hitch a ride on the hood of a taxi (one of the dangers of New York), a stranger grabs you by the arm and pulls you out of harm's way. He probably has a questioning look normally reserved for people who suggest that Elvis staged the moon landing from the Hindenburg.

3) Tripping while walking: Maybe it's not near death, but it can be dangerous. You all know the feeling; you're walking smoothly, then all of a sudden, you're not. Maybe you sprain your wrist on the way down, or maybe someone grabs you to keep you from falling. Either way, it would be the equivalent of watching a bird just fall to its demise*.

*But nowhere near as touching as this video, and without the good soundtrack:

In short, for all of these events, there exists this tacit understanding that, despite something really serious having just happened, maybe it's best not to talk about it for a bit. It's not like, say, being in a plane that plummets ten thousand feet before its engines come back to life, or being in a motorcycle accident. It's just not a good story, and it reflects poorly on you.So don't worry. If I see you involved in one of these situations, I'll have the decency not to say anything about it. I expect the same from you.

Anyway, I hope all is well and that you avoid all uncool near-death experiences. If you have any others that you'd care to share, I'd love to hear them!

Proper Scarf Protocol

Fall is upon us once again, which means that cold weather is (supposedly) on its way. I haven't experienced a real cold snap, yet, but there have been hints that it might get chilly soon. In these recent weeks, I've noticed something really concerning for my male brethren, made perhaps even more sinister by the lack of actually cold temperatures. Namely, I've seen a lot of guys in scarves.

I'll be the first to admit that I don't know much about fashion or anything vaguely related to it. Until relatively recently in my life, I thought the company Chanel was pronounced "channel"*, as in, "my fashion choices channel my inner hobo."

*True story

I do, however, know something about being a man, and I know that scarves have no role in manliness. God gave man the ability to grow beards for a reason: to keep our necks warm. If you have difficult growing a good, warm, man-beard, alternatively, God gave man the ability to wear warm, lined collars for a reason: to wear them in such a way as to keep our necks warm. Again, if you don't like wearing large collars, God gave man things like Turtle Fur neck gaiters to keep our necks warm. Basically, there are a lot of things you can do to avoid wearing a scarf. And you should want to avoid that, because scarves are made for women. If you're a woman, skip the rest of this paragraph. If you are a man, keep reading for the justification. God gave women scarves so that they can wear low-cut tops (for your pleasure) in cold weather, and still go outside without getting their necks cold, which would make them grumpy. This logic unfortunately also applies to hipsters and their V-neck shirts, but if you're a hipster wearing a scarf, God help you.

I don't want to say that there are never reasons to wear a scarf. I've provided a quick list of times when it is acceptable to sport a scarf.

-You are hiding a hickey a girl gave you from your friend. More specifically, you are hiding a hickey a girl who is not your girlfriend gave you from your girlfriend. Totally acceptable until the hickey disappears.

-You nicked yourself shaving, and don't want to stick toilet paper on your face. You wear a scarf to hide the bloody mess that is your neck and help stop the bleeding. Marginally acceptable for up to one hour.

-You suspect someone is trying to garrote you. You have a steel collar around your neck, but don't want your would be assassin to know. Largely acceptable until you have foiled the plot.

"Wait for it... Wait for it..." *
*In case this story is not immediately clear, my stunt double is wearing a protective collar. His would-be assassin is trying to garrote him in the middle of the road. Unfortunately, it is taking longer than the w-b-a planned, thanks to the hidden collar. The w-b-a is about to get hit by a car.

-Because of an elaborate prank, the only article of clothing you have is your scarf. Wear it proudly. Acceptable until your clothes are returned to you.

-You have cut your head off accidentally, but would like to go out. You use a scarf to hide this fact. Praiseworthy as long as you can hold it together.

Really, honey, it's fine. It just itches a tiny bit, that's all. I can go to dinner.

Feel free to submit any more suggestions for when it is acceptable for a man to wear a scarf, but in my mind, I've covered most of the major topics.

On a reflective note, I realize that my past two posts have probably alienated me from many friends. I realize this isn't a good thing. I don't like being a hater, but sometimes, I think hateful things, and I feel as if I have to speak my mind. If it's any consolation, this is about as hateful as I get. I will work on a more positive, happy post in the future. Hope all is well!