Tuesday, October 5, 2010

How to be Amusingly Incompetent

It's no secret that the trick to never being asked to do work is to be stupendously incompetent. Like, really, really incapable off doing anything right. Ever.  Unfortunately, that's not necessarily the best way to keep friends. If all you do is mess up everything you touch, no one is going to want to have anything to do with you. 
That TPS report looked like it was filled out by someone ass-backwards with their head not screwed on properly. Don't ever talk to me again.
 That's why it's important to be amusingly incompetent. Yes, you will still be messing up everything that you touch, but, with practice, you will be doing it in a way that makes you endearing to the people who need to correct what you have destroyed. 
Hey guys? Can we just agree that I shouldn't be allowed near any of the tools ever again?
 For some of us, this comes naturally. Otherwise, you will need to work at this if you hope to ever have any free time in your life. Being incompetent is generally easier to perfect. If you have trouble with this, the best place to start is just by turning things in late. Then, with all the time you gained by extending the deadline, you can work on the amusing part of the equation. 

To make sure that you stay amusing in your incompetence, here are a few tips.

1) Make sure you stay good-natured. Foul-mouthed and incompetent is not endearing. 
Monkey balls! I dropped that dip-shit heavy package off the fuckin' cliff again!
2) Never make fun of someone else for being incompetent. Although it may seem like a good distraction technique, and it may get you a laugh, remember that it will ultimately remind people how incompetent you are. Besides, depending on the situation, this may backfire horribly.
"Ha! He'll never cut anything with that axe technique, the incompetent fool!"
"Whoops. He had that coming though, right?"
"Totally. Anyway, what are you doing after work?"
 3) Be self aware. Everyone knows you can't do shit, so it shouldn't be surprising to you. That's why it's endearing. You know you're useless, and you want to be helpful, but you just don't know how. 

Don't do this:
"Hey guys, check out how red I can make my face!"
"Ya mind helpin' out, you useless jerk?"
Instead, try this:
"I'll just help out from this side, guys! Squeeze when you're ready!"
"Oh, sweet Jesus, get him away from there. Can someone distract him with food?"
Amusing incompetence has mixed results for papers, however, as evidenced by the comment I got back from this end of term paper.
Considering what I would have gotten if I tried, a ?+ isn't too bad.
I have taught you all that I know about shirking work. Use it well, young slacker. 
Hope all is well with you, dear readers.