Yes, I would Like to Eat My Cake

People often accuse me of wanting to have my cake and eat it, too. I used to accept this as a criticism until I actually thought of how I relate to cake.

I don't know about you, but when someone hands me a piece of cake, the first thing I think about doing with it is eating it. Then, I eat it.* I'm pretty sure it's a normal thought process, and it goes like this: "Ah! Cake! My cake! I'll eat it." Generally, I find this pretty satisfying. As a matter of fact, this isn't something I explicitly think about; it's just my normal reaction to having cake.
*This takes place whether or not I have a fork, if you were wondering.

How I feel about having and eating cake

How society apparently feels about having and eating cake

Which is why I'm confused when people tell me that I want to have my cake and eat it, too, as if it were a bad thing. "You can't have your cake and eat it, too," I'm told in the same voice that you might scold a dog who is wandering around under the dinner table alternating between humping diner's legs or making puppy eyes to get a piece of beef. But really, if I can't have it and eat it, what's the point of having it in the first place? What am I supposed to do, just sit around and let it get stale*? If I were to list the top ten uses of cake, I'm pretty sure number one would be "good for eating."
*Unless it's a twinkie, in which case I could just let it sit around and... be a twinkie, I guess.

This list took longer than I thought it would take.

So in short, I plan on unapologetically desiring to have and eat cake.

Great Balls of Fire

I was blessed enough to get to spend a few days in Hood River, Oregon. More precisely, I suppose I should say around Hood River - there was a good deal of camping in the woods, far away from anything resembling a town. I spent the night of August 11 around Bulo Point, i.e. some really dark woods on a hill, following the recommendation of someone I met in a bar (classic Brendan move, by the way. Taking the advice of strangers in bars is probably what will kill me).

If you want to feel really small without taking hallucinogens, go out to someplace with zero light pollution when there's a meteor shower, go to sleep, wake up at 2 in the morning, crawl out of your tent, think about how far you are from other people, then stare at the sky for a while until you get cold. It worked for me.
Anyway, I started thinking about that argument against the existence of God that says humans can't be that important because we are so tiny in comparison to the rest of the universe that to think we play any special role in the plans of an omnipotent being is foolish. From there, I pondered on how those tiny flecks of glitter in the sky are actually flaming balls of gas undergoing constant nuclear fusion, and hey, that's pretty cool.

Flashback to all those times my mother shouted at me for sticking magnifying glasses between (mostly) flammable objects and the sun. I'm an admitted and unrepentant pyromaniac. Do not ask me for a light if you like your eyebrows. 

There I was, watching the twinkling of violent explosions light years away, thinking "Cool. Fire!" And then I had another thought. "I really like the idea of a God who makes gigantic glowing orbs of destruction and energy and flame for fun." Because if I were an omnipotent being, I'm pretty sure I would make those, too, and I'd never get bored of the things, so I'd make sure they lasted a long time, and I'd also keep churning'em out in giant fire factories so I'd never run out. Unlike humans. I'd probably get bored of those after a few thousand years and stop making the things. 

I initially meant this to be a comforting post, but now I realize that the conclusion to draw is that either there is no God, or if there is, he and I think alike, and I'm not entirely sure which one is more terrifying.

The most terrifying Venn Diagram I have made yet

Why I Will Be Blogging More

So I got a tablet that allows me to draw and share venn diagrams easily.  This has lots of ramifications,  one of which is that I will be trying to blog more again. Prepare yourselves!

Grid paper at no extra cost!

Instruction Manual for Bad Decision Making

Unless you're OK not having all of your fingers if you wake up. 

A Handy Guide for Saying Things to Girls

Here's a quick venn diagram I've compiled from a lifetime of experience.

Note: Not to scale. Leftmost circle should be much larger, rightmost circle should  be tiny. 

My Experience in the Job Hunt

As many of you probably know, I quit my former job for various reasons. I've been engaged in the job hunt, and I've noticed a few things. I've determined that the best way to present my findings is a venn diagram. I also love venn diagrams.

Guess who found his compass from 10th grade!*

*this cat right here

Interactive portion: See if you can figure out which occupation falls into which region!

1) Building model airplanes
2) Mud logging (it's a thing, look it up if you have to)
3) Male prostitution
4) Putting papers in file cabinets
5) Observing habits of insects in the wild
6) Driving a truck
7) Making "That's what she said jokes"

Answers:
1) B
2) ACD
3) ACD
4) AC
5) A
6) AD
7) B

Also, feel free to suggest occupations and what circle you think they might fall into. I'd be particularly interested if you can come up with something that falls into the yet undiscovered BCD region.